Men paying for dinners wth their girlfriends

**Magnetism** · 09-16-2011 07:26 AM

In the beginning stages of the relationship, my boyfriend happily picked up the tab. He was the one always asking me out on dates and pursuing, so the issue never came up.

As the relationship progressed, he asked me to start splitting the bills and asking me to buy him drinks/coffee. He would say "I will get sushi for us, if you get me this." I went along with it, because it did seem fair logically. BUT, I was also taught that a man will pay for you if he loves you. Some men like to provide for the woman they care for. My exes always paid, even the one that treated women like . They didn't like it when a girl wanted to pay the bill.

Months ago, I had brought my views up. He got upset and said that most men would think I'm a golddigger by saying that. He said he doesn't have much money and that's why he asks me to split the bill. As I got to know him, he would spend hundreds of dollars on tech stuff. He claims that he has money saved up, but then he says he doesn't have enough money to cover a basic dinner.

Last night ,he had brought up this same comment I made again on why I questioned him on wanting me to split the bill or to buy stuff for him. It's okay for him to bring up comments I make 5 months ago, but it's not okay for me to bring up his comments. He claims that his situation is very different.

I spend a lot of money on gas just driving to his place over the weekends over the past year. My salarly is significantly less than his and he also knows I'm struggling. Since his car is at his parents' house, he uses my car as well to get around the city. Obviously, those gas bills pay up on my part. It's not like I'm completely mooching off of his money.

What do you think? Am I really a golddigger just because I wondered why he asked me to split the bill and buy him drinks? If I was a golddigger, I would be off with some filthy rich man and not care about anything else. Him calling me a golddigger and assuming that other men will look down on me hurts my feelings. He said he was just being truthful.

**rosekitten** · 09-16-2011 08:00 AM

I actually find it repulsive when either gender "demands" that bills be split in such a way. If he's just using your car and making you cover the gas, he's being a jerk. If -he- asks you to go out with him, and then won't pay (or demands that you split it), it's insulting. In the same way, I find it insulting when a woman asks a guy to go out (I'm referring strictly to dates, not just friends hanging out), and then expects that he's going to foot the bill. Your boyfriend seems to have quite a few double standards, and, quite frankly, sounds like a cranky teenage girl. Based on what you've said, I wouldn't call you a golddigger, but I would call him a brat. Perhaps it's time to move on and look for a real man you places spending time/money/energy on you, instead of on your stuff so he can buy more tech stuff?

And, I do say all this as someone who has worked since she was 16, multiple jobs in college, and am now a stay at home wife with her own business. Literally all of the money in the bank is my husbands, and I'm free to do with it as I please. I don't lol, but even my husband doesn't consider me a golddigger, because our relationship isn't about money. It seems that for your BF, it is, and that's a deal breaker for me. YMMV

**Magnetism** · 09-16-2011 08:52 AM

That's how I feel, but I'm in a relationship where my feelings are being dismissed. He has this way of making it seem like he's the one who's right, and I'm at fault.

In the beginning, he was buying me scarfs and bracelets. I told him he didn't have to, but he wanted to. When he started to ask me to split the bill months later and then goes out and buys a $500 dollar ipad, it just felt weird.

When moving in with him last month, I chipped in and bought groceries. I paid for the cat food. I helped clean the place. I try my best to take my own personal responsibility. When someone gets mad at you and then doesn't tell you what exactly they want, it's hard.

We talked it over and decided this relationship won't work. I have to stay with him until my new apartment opens up on Oct.1st.

**asiangrace** · 09-16-2011 01:38 PM

It definitely sounds like he wasn't taking your feelings in to consideration - a relationship won't work when couple's dismiss each other's feelings! It seemed like he was manipulating the situation to make it sound like it was your problem when it wasn't. He had some serious double standards going on. I can understand if he was having money problems and said something like, "hey babe do you mind splitting the tab? I'm broke." but not going out and spending $500 on an Ipad. I don't think the guy should have to pay every single time, it's nice when the girl treats the guy but they do it because they love each other, not out of obligation. Sounds like you did the right thing breaking it off with him. I think the deeper issue is that he wasn't respecting your feelings and acted like he didn't care.

**stressed** · 09-16-2011 02:41 PM

Maybe he saves money to buy things for himself, just like you can do the same if you want to. I don't see what's wrong with splitting the bill, you're a couple, you're out together, why not? Just because he bought a tech thing doesn't make him rich or greedy, just like if you spend money on a dress, or something just for you, won't make you rich either.

I don't know, but I don't agree... I think it's extreme to argue about bill splitting in our days.

**Magnetism** · 09-16-2011 03:21 PM

Stressed-I can see your point of view and when he explained things to me later on today, I got it. But, I don't appreciate being thought of as a girl that wants her boyfriend to pay for everything ALL of the time. That's what he's accusing me of being. For the record, I've told him that we can cut down on eating out. We can cook at home, but there were times when he didn't let me cook. He claims I'm too obsessed with trying to prove something to someone by cooking. That's not how I feel, but he thinks he knows how I feel.

My mentality on money is that I don't spend 1,000 dollars on something. I might spend 20-30, but I save large money for bills, housing and other living expenses.

I didn't break up with him simply because of money, but there were other issues going on if you read my previous thread.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-16-2011 03:34 PM

I think two things, one we live in a world of equality or in my opinion we should..Granted if one person is earning less, then that has to be taken into consideration.. If two people are living together and sharing expenses, there is no resentment, it's equality and when one is short, the other one covers and helps, with no expectations of getting it back.

But, then there is saving for "a hobby" and being short for bills, because the hobby consumes you... Budget comes to mind...

I agree, if you can't afford a dinner date, you don't do it, you dine in, light a candle open a bottle of wine, and have a dinner date at home, I don't get why he thinks you are trying to prove something?

I think he needs to not be so selve absorbed and understand what constitutes a strong relationship, in togetherness.

**Magnetism** · 09-16-2011 03:41 PM

Chandlers-My mom barely taught me how to cook, and mocked me fun of me for it. My ex-boyfriends also made fun of me for it. In Indian culture, it's important for the female to know how to cook well. My mom and my ex would tell me, "You can't live on your own! You don't even know how to cook a gourmet meal!" They would also tell me that no man would want me. When I asked my mom to show me how to cook, she would refuse.

When I moved out, learning to cook was my own way of learning something that I didn't learn when living with my family. I loved it. It helps you save money when you can cook a meal that will last for days.

My partner (now ex-partner) thinks that I'm trying to prove a "bunch of gay Indians." I have gotten upset when I wasn't able to cook a new meal that I had planned. Who doesn't like to learn new Indian dishes? I woke up on morning and decided to prepare a meal. He said "you are too obsessed with this! You are only cooking to prove some Indian housewife or to make yourself marketable as an Indian wife." He ordered me to get away from the kitchen.
No, I'm cooking because I'm eager to learn and it's fun. He insists that I'm only doing it to prove a bunch of "gay Indians." That's his exact language. He says he's trying to help me like how someone is taking a beer bottle away from an alcoholic.

When I come from work late at night, he also says that I will stink up the place by cooking Indian food and that it's too late. I can't help it that I have a heavy work schedule.

**CHANDLERS WISH** · 09-16-2011 03:46 PM

I think when someone tells us we "can't do something", makes fun of it, we do go out of our way to prove them wrong, to me from what you wrote, it's your Mother not "gay Indians"

that made you say pftttt and go and learn.

And, you've enjoyed the challenge and success and there is nothing wrong with that, now it's a passion but don't let a passion make you cry if you fail? Everyone fails we are not perfect in all we do.

But, in any event, he should be smiling and saying " ah, don't sweat it, most of the time your meals are perfect" comfort, not put you down, he might as well be your Mother in that regard huh.

I don't see you two compatible but then I think you know that yourself

**Magnetism** · 09-16-2011 03:55 PM

Nope. I'm generally a structured "let's do something " person by nature. I like to do something constructive, where he can enjoy himself people watching and hanging around all day. I want to cook, I want to exercise, I want to do my yoga, I want to read psychology books, I want to sleep well..and I haven't been able to do that as much in this relationship sadly.