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Thread: Sister In Law Problem

  1. #21
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    Wow. After reading this, my sister-in-law problems look like a spec of dust. I hate to say it in that way, but this was outrageous. I cannot believe that such people even exist in this world. I noticed some points made in some comments; your husband was raised in this environment, the fact that he isn't treating you the same way is miraculous. I think that deep-down he knows exactly what's going on, he's too afraid to say anything because this is his family. He must feel as though saying or doing anything will mean disrespect. You are right, though, he has his own family and that should be worth defending. The counselors--there is no doubt in my mind that this man knows the way you are and have been treated is horrible. He refuses to listen to anyone because he knows what they're going to say, and he knows that they are right.

    I don't believe I have any advice that I can give you. From what you have posted here, I do believe your hubby knows the situation and is too afraid to respond to it.

    Some people just can't be helped, and your husband's family seems like that type. You married your husband, not his crazy family--keep in mind what you love about this man, don't let his nutty family get to you anymore. I commend you for all that you have done. You have been nice to these people and kept your head straight. Many people would have resorted to retaliation and giving them the same treatment, but you have always been nice and caring toward them--and that's about the best revenge a person can take on anyone.

    When things start irritating you, go for a walk, go for a drive. I think the fact that you are choosing to no long participate in family events is a good decision. You have a good head on your shoulders, I can tell from reading this. If you love your husband, if you two have a good relationship, savor that. You did not marry his family and you certainly don't have to contend with them. Seperating/divorcing--that's exactly what his family would want because they don't love him at all, if you left, he'd have no one to love him because his family is a bunch of self-centered... people! He is blessed to have you, as is his selfish family. You do not deserve this treatment, and I know that you know that.

    I don't know if this helps, I have no idea what else to say.. just posted what I thought about it.. if it helps any, you seem like a very good person, someone many people would be grateful to have in their lives.

  2. #22
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    Thank you, lonelyXdreamer. I appreciate your comments and concern. I've been so upset thinking about this and what to do. Yes, I can and will avoid the family gatherings. I'm hoping to work in a co. that works on holidays, so I can just volunteer to work every holiday and it won't be an issue. Short of that, I will volunteer at local shelters rather than attend the family events. I would enjoy that so much more. I do a lot of volunteer work now. The hurdle I am facing now is that my husband has told me that the kids and I 'are not enough for him'. He wants his family. Wants to live near them, have them drop in every day, spend weekends and vacations with them. That is death to me. I'm waiting to see if some relatives are joining us for vacation this spring. I can tolerate them, but I won't enjoy myself and kids as much as if they weren't going. (Thankfully it is not SIL). They will monopolize my husband and do what they can to make me feel inferior. So, I'm dieting (down 6 lbs.!) and exercising and trying to think positive thoughts, taking it one day at a time. Sending resumes and keeping an open mind. Trying not to blame myself for getting in this mess in the first place. I just can't fathom why his family is allowed to come between us. I would never let my family treat him like this. I can honestly say my family has never once interferred in our marriage or been rude to my husband. These are middle class to upper middle class people. I really expected to be treated with respect and caring, not opposition, interference, control. I feel better knowing that all of you agree this is not appropriate behavior and that I am entitled to remove myself from the abuse. That is huge for me.

  3. #23
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    I don't think that anyone in any marriage should have to put up with what you have. I say this with kindness, why are you still there? Sit down and get a pad of paper and pencil. Write what you love about your marriage on one sheet. On the other sheet, write what you hate about your marriage. Compare the two sheets. Don't ever think you must stay for the now adult young adults. Life is so short. You must now think of yourself. Your husband will NEVER change. If he has not tried in all these years then let him be with his family. Good luck

  4. #24
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    I think about this every day, believe me. I get along fine until my SIL calls and talks to my husband, and unfortunately, she calls frequently. We've talked about it until blue in the face. I have asked him not to tell her things that she can use against me and use to humiliate me if and when we do get together. If he confides in her, she will scream it at me in public. I have told him that as his wife, he confides in ME, not his sister. I'm tired of finding out that he is buying a new car or something from her, when he should discuss it with me first! I've decided that I won't attend any family functions where she is present. My husband and kids can attend. If I find that I don't want to spend holidays without my family, then I will leave. I'm trying very hard to stick to my convictions, and probably Easter will be the real test. I've stuck to my weight loss and exercise program and building self esteem. I have reached the breaking point, believe me. If my husband won't protect me from his abusive sister, then I fully intend to leave and he can move back and see his sister every day if he so desires. I feel he has had enough time to intervene on my behalf, and has chosen to ignore it. He asks if we can go out with his sister and husband, and I repeatedly say no. She tells everyone I am trying to separate them. The thing is, when we have gone out together, brother and sister stick together and totally exclude me and the BIL. And I mean completely exclude us. I like my BIL, but I prefer to sit next to my husband, walk with my husband and not behind him. He doesn't get this. I become invisible, and I know my SIL actually plans it. She got tickets for a ballgame, sat my husband in the middle of everyone, and gave me my ticket...in the row behind everyone. She then proceeded to buy food and drinks for everyone in that row, and directed me to the refreshment stand to buy my own food/drinks. And this game was to thank US for some work WE did for her. My husband never noticed that I wasn't sitting near him, that no one handed me a slice of pizza.... I swear he is totally oblivious, or just doesn't want to make a scene? Unless he is willing to stand by me, support me, and protect me from this woman, I want out. I keep hoping she will develop a deadly disease, but then I catch myself and say no, I really wouldn't wish that on anyone. I am giving him a chance to see that I am serious, I have reached my breaking point, and that I am not going to be a sitting duck for my SIL's abuse. He can be a husband to me, or he can be divorced.

  5. #25
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    WoW OMG the inlaws are nuts. I think it boils down to jealousy. I know your MIL passed away but these two women when they were a team - were just jealous and very possessive. The SIL now carries that on - you probably have more education then her, you've been to Hawaii, I"m sure over your lifetime you've had other trips and adventures that just eats at her.

    Some people are petty and are just very ugly on the inside and out. ya know the best revenge is to live a good life. I know you don't want to go to dinner with SIL & BIL but If you ever do - you know her behavior either go with the expectation to just really interact with her husband and ignore her behavior - don't give her the hurt reaction she is so hoping for. Or engage other ppl in the restaurant at the next table or surpise her and invite one of you female friends so you do have someone to talk to - like the friend you called that understands that will alrady know what to expect from this woman and her petty behavior. Whatever she says won't make you look bad to your friend - it will only really reflect on this woman and again her petty behavior.

    I"m sure she is very intimidated by "outsiders" Same as vacations or ballgames or whatever - invite a friend so you have someone - don't tell them others are coming.

    good luck hope this gets better for you

  6. #26
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    I think you're right; it is jealousy. And selfishness on their part, not to want to share him. Another issue is SIL's self esteem; she is so afraid of losing 'her family', the one she GREW UP with, that she tries to lock everyone else out. Whenever I did anything nice for the Grandmother, she would twist my arm and say, 'That's MY Grandmother'. The Grandmother always told me that I had the best kids and that my husband and I were the best parents out of all her grandkids! At least she liked me! LOL I really like the 'bring a buddy' idea. Thank you.

  7. #27
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    Default Sister In Law Problem

    I have been trying to stay strong and have been looking to Easter and telling myself that I will not attend the family function or host it. Out of nowhere today my husband announces that his sister wishes to visit us on Sunday. He may as well have hit me over the head with a blunt instrument. I instantly felt fearful and victimized. I realize this is his sister, but I want nothing to do with her and I don't want her here in my home. I will compromise and tell him that I will leave for the day and he can visit with her and her husband. I won't be here for her to abuse. On past visits, she literally lays down on my sofa and orders me to get her this or that, I am not allowed to enter into the conversation, and if she can throw any verbal abuse my way, she does. My dtr is home from college for the weekend and I was really looking forward to just relaxing and enjoying her visit. Now my fibromyalgia has kicked up and I just want to sit in a corner and sob. I am not strong enough to weather a visit from her. And I am dumbfounded that my husband doesn't realize how traumatized I am by her. I don't want to live like this. After the way she treated me during his surgery and over the holidays, I am done dealing with her. I feel like I have post traumatic stress syndrome or something. I know I cannot possibly be here if she is. What's going on?

  8. #28
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    Well, being the wknd, no one was around this site to help me with this one. I did leave for the day, saying that I was not dealing with my husband's sister's visit. I had planned to visit a friend for the day, but that was cancelled due to a minor emergency, so I went and visited my Mom for the day. Unfortunately I had injured my back in the morning and spent the day on the floor. I returned in the evening. I was glad I left, because my husband realizes I am at the point of no return in all this. If I had stayed, I would have been physically ill dreading every phone call and knock at the door. SIL did not visit, as it turned out, but if she had, I would have been expected to clean house and cook dinner for her. Even with the back injury, I was glad I wasn't here. If my husband continues to invite her here, I will just leave each time. If she shows up uninvited, I will leave. I am removing myself as her target for abuse. I don't think I should have to leave my home, but if it happens many more times, I will just make arrangements to leave as in divorce. I am unable to forget or forgive what she did to me in Jan., July and Dec. She won't stop, my husband won't intervene, so I'll just be absent.

  9. #29
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    Why didn't you just disown these sh****heads 30 years ago? Some people are just 'less than people' and your life will never be any better for knowing them.

    "Hi, its your MIL..<click>" (then block her number. If they show-up on your doorstep tell them to leave, call the sheriffs if they don't. Then file a restraining order).

  10. #30
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    I gree with sinsterurge!!!!

    u have to say them enough and enough......but ignoring is best policy then fighting directly....i mean do what ever u think is right ...do not follow their orders ...but do not fight them in verbally and avoid or ignore them....be reserved........

    I do not know which country u r living now....i do not think in any european or north american it could happen......they have enogh rights for woman....if not all

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