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Thread: Selfish Insensitive Husband

  1. #1
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    Default Selfish Insensitive Husband


    Need some advice, encouragement and maybe a kick in the butt. I've been searching for a site to purge my unhappiness at my marriage and I feel this is the one for me. Apologies in advance for the rambling on, poor writing skills and outright bitterness you may read in the next few paragraphs.

    To summarize...Met my husdand at 20, been together for almost 18 yrs, married for 8yrs, and have 2 wonderful girls.

    Throughout our relationship there have always been problems, but for whatever reason I stayed. These problems always seem to rear their ugly head in some form but deep down they're all related to his selfish and insensitve nature

    As I write this he's being his usual selfish self. He is a NO SHOW after work it's after 12am now and the alarm goes off at 5:15am. It's minus 20 degrees outside, with a bad windchill and the roads are treacherous.(I hate winter btw) and he's another no show. He hasn't called, wont answer my calls or reply to my texts. This also happened 2 weeks ago exactly. I will surely have another sleepless, anxiety ridden night (I take Ativan due to anxiety attacks caused by his behaviour in the past and now they can come quite frequently again mostly spurred on by his actions). I'm just sick with worry, is he in a ditch?, been in an accident? will he freeze to death tonight? Then when he finally shows up, sometimes I'm more releaved that he's ok than mad that he put me through . And I just cant do this anymore!!!

    After the last episode 2 weeks ago, I got up after maybe dozing off for a few hours in total, realized he still wasn't home and made like all was normal for the children, I went off to work to try and carry on like normal, but was forced to call his friend and embarassingly enquire to his where abouts. Unfortunately he didn't know either. I was worried about him not showing up to work and getting in trouble. However, I did check his voice mail and he had obviously called in as there was a message from his boss. Couldn't call me but called work, I guess part of me was releaved that he had done so but I was also very upset that he made me anquish all day. So eventually I get home and he was sleeping and I calmly but assertively asked him "what happened" and he lost it and became so angry and almost overly defensive that he started swearing at and shoving me around because I was by them not backing down and I was standing up to his agressive bully tactic. It was ugly, however, things eventually settled down and he slept on the couch that night.

    A couple days later I wanted to chat about things and told him that I am thinking of leaving him as I'm so unhappy. He was quiet and I'm not too sure how he took things. But what happens with us is that everything blows over and within a week everything is brushed under the rug and we act like everything is fine.

    Well things were "fine" until he decided not to come home. We've even been going to a marriage counsellor and things seem to look up and promising when there but then when we leave and after a few days everything he said he would do to become more involved in the girls lives, and become more supportive husband and dad is out the window and he's back to what is his true self, selfish and insensitive.

    This type of behaviour has been rampant throughout our relationship and I'm embarrassed and ashamed I've not left him. I dont want to grow old with him, we have nothing in common, he's very lazy and does nothing around the house, I do EVERYTHING!!! I am mum and dad to our 2 girls, and I do everything around the house (he maybe takes the garbage out once every 6 month - no exageration).

    We came from very different back grounds, I had a great childhood, and he came from a broken troubled home and I feel that I am now paying for the lack of mothering his mother didn't do 35 years ago.

    Anyway, I need the strength, courage and self confidence and about an extra $2000 per month to leave.

    Got any ideas???

    p.s. thanks for listening (reading)

  2. #2
    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array Lunar Keiki's Avatar
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    If you leave, will you not get child support and/or alimony to help you get your own place and take care of the girls? I cannot even fathom staying with this man--you have tried counseling and it isn't working. What more can you do? Is he cheating? If his friend doesn't even know where he is, then who is he with?

    I am really sorry that you are in this situation. I was in a bad marriage too and after three years I left. I was lucky that I could afford to fend for myself and my kids, but if I couldn't, my parents had already told me I could come home. Do you have friends you could stay with? Or a relative? Rent part of a house and have some female roommates (you want to ensure that your daughters are always safe). My opinion is you have one life to live and you do not want to waste it being miserable. It doesn't sound like staying together is providing much of a family for the girls, so you should figure out a way to do it on your own.

  3. #3
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    A man's perspective...

    It's time to go.
    Pack up the girls and yourself and leave. Make the three of you the ones that don't come home.
    He has made so little effort to date, why do you think that will ever change.
    You and the girls have the rest of your lives ahead of you.
    Don't rationalize staying with your abusive husband because of $$$. That's part of the power that an abuser THINKS they have. Show him otherwise...
    Lunar has some good suggestions...think about some of those.
    This whole scenario may take some creative thinking on your part...so what?
    If it were me, I'd be gone by this weekend.

    I wish you well.

  4. #4
    WH Head Moderator Array WildChild's Avatar
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    You don't have to uproot your kids. Unless you fear violence, there is no reason for you and the kids to move. Tell him not to bother coming home anymore and change the locks. You can set all his stuff in the garage for him to pick up without bothering you. Chances are he has a place to go and it isn't with one of the guys.

    See an attorney and find out just what you need to do, with children and a house (?) involved you will need legal advice - interview a few to find one you feel understands the situation and you can work with.
    We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer

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    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array auntie_awesome's Avatar
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    If they both own the home, she can't just change the locks on him. It will cause legal trouble for her unfortunately which generally is awful.

    You can though at this point go to a lawyer and the cops and get a restraining order if he has been violent with you. This way he has to go and has to stay away from you. Taking the kids and leaving is a great idea if you have a way to support all of you for a short time while a judge issues any support orders.

    This is awful and I'm so sorry you are dealing with it. The fact that he doesn't come home and doesn't bother to call you is just awful and no one deserves that.

  6. #6
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    thanks Lunar. What I din't have time to get into was how utterly irresposible he is with money, so his paycheques get deposited into my chequing acct and I arrange and pay for all the household bills, etc. If we were to separated I don't think I would see any of the money and I reckon I would get about $350-500 per child.
    I also failed to mention that my dad died last year and left my mum in financial ruin, so she had to move in with us. We dont have a big house, but we're close and I do like having her there, sometimes gets a little crowded but for the most part it's fine. She looks after the girls before and after school and also drives them there and back. So in lieu of child care payment to her she stays with us rent/food free. Unfortunately my husband and I are in the undeveloped basement. We both agreed that mum was to take our bedroom with the onsuite. However, us being in the basement is not ideal and I do believe doesn't help our situation. But we didn't have money to develop the basement and now the plan is to build a garage in the back to store all the stuff from the basement then start on that. ONly thing is he's so lazy I would have to organize this and I've no idea what do to...a complete contruction novice!

    If I could afford this place on my own, he would move out and that would be the end of it, but I feel financially and responsibility trapped.

  7. #7
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    thanks Seeker, I am really starting to strategise my viable options but they all come with considerable pros and cons.

    Thanks everyone I really appreciate your time and value your comments. It's actually made me feel I'm not so alone.

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