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Thread: Wife masterbates when she thinks I am sleeping

  1. #1
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    Default Wife masterbates when she thinks I am sleeping


    I have read through other threads that deal with this. They have been helpful in some ways but I still think that my situation is a little different. My wife is the same age as me 35. We have children and a wonderful marraige. I have been with my wife for 18 years, married 10 of them. I first noticed this happening next to me many years ago and quickly asked her about it, not in a menacing way, it actually turned me on. She denied it and told me I was crazy, I believed her and never brought it up again. Our sex life has had great times and some low times but mainly I would say it is about average. Kids do stress you out but not for good. Let me also say that I am the more sexual of the two of us. We communicate very openly to each other about our fantasies and we have a lot of fun in bed, my only complaint is I would like it more. A good week is 3 times. A dry spell can go 2 times a month. The reason I explain all this, is b/c I woke up recntly to find her masterbating. I pretended to still sleep, as I said this turns me on to think she is masterbating next to me thinking I am asleep. I have admitted I masterbate when she is not around but she says she never does it. We also masterbate with each other, again great. But more often than not I am turned down at least 2-3 times a week, it really gets to me sometimes. Yes I have spoken to her about it and it does get better for a while, but eventually it gets worse again. I need help on what to do about this. What I mean is, she can masterbate all she wants, good for her, but I am more than willing to lend a hand. I now am losing sleep listening to her, she has done this after she turns me down for sex, she has done this when she says she wants to go right to sleep (than proceeds for about an 1 hour and a half of self pleasure), sha has done this during her cycle, and she has done this after we have sex, ....all while she thinks I am sleeping. I am really offened that she would rather turn to this instead of me. If anyone is wondering yes she orgasms during sex (we have great sex). Please I am asking you all what do I do, I can't keep losing sleep, I am starting to feel inadequete, paranoid as trust is an issue, and getting depressed a little. Whatever advice you can give would be most appreciated.

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    WH Assistant Head Moderator Array LanaBear's Avatar
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    I'm not sure if this would be a popular suggestion or not... But you've talked to her and she's denied it... Why not say something WHILE she is doing it? Eyes closed, let her get into it, then just say "Hey, you know I can help you with that..." I don't know, but, I'd be frustrated too. If you say something during the act, she can't really deny it. See what happens, see what she say or how she reacts. She could get upset, but, what other options are there?

    Tough situation...
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    Silver Contributor 100+ Posts Array Beckers's Avatar
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    Is she sleep-masturbating? lmaaoo jk

    It bothers me that she denies it. Since you guys have an open communication about sex, she shouldn't be embarrassed, especially since you said you like that she does it.

    I would take LanaBears suggestion. Next time she does that, just turn over and say something sexy to her. That way she is caught in the act, but won't feel uncomfortable about it. Maybe even put a suggestive hand on her body or something.

    Whatever you decide, don't pretend to sleep with her pleasuring herself right next to you! Unless you like being frustrated and teased that is.

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    Well maybe after being with you for so long and after having children and settling down a bit, she just feels like she is out of control of her life. That can be very scary! It is possible that this is her way of "taking control".
    Either way its nothing to be offended about. Everyone needs time with themselves, and if she doesn't get her "outlet" some other way (meaning girl's nights out etc), she may have to reserve to masturbation.

    Other then that I agree with Lana.

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    I think it is something to worry about. Masturbating is fine - but turning your spouse down for sex and then masturbating isn't.

    My wife does something similar - but I consider our sex life to be a disaster.

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    WH Super Moderator Array Hopeless Dork's Avatar
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    If you are positive she is masturbating one night... maybe you can just start in on yourself right next to her as well. If she asks you what you are doing you can tell her that hearing her turned you on so much. Maybe it can open up the dialogue on it.

    If the shoe was on the other foot she'd be devistated. If she wanted sex from you and you turned her down and layed next to her masturbating all night she would be hurt, and feel all the ranges of emotion over it that you do.

    If you guys masturbate together I can not wrap my head around why she'd be lying to you about her doing it right next to you when she thinks you are asleep. I can see why your trust is waning... if she could lie to you about something so simple, what else? Its got to be hard to feel like you have an open and close intimate connection when you KNOW she is lying to you.

    But approaching that will be delicate, I don't envy your position at all. I am sure it would be a turn on for many to hear their lover masturbating while they lay next to them, but given the fact she is denying you sex at the same time... it can turn from a sexy act into something that causes you to resent her.

    Could be she is ashamed? Maybe feels guilty about masturbating so does not want to admit it? Could be she knows you know and this fuels some sort of fantasy? Could be that she says no to sex with you in order to control you in some way... yet still has sexual needs of her own? Ack so many possibilities .
    Scars remind us of where we've been...they don't have to dictate where we're going.

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    WH Assistant Head Moderator Array LanaBear's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Hopeless Dork View Post
    If you are positive she is masturbating one night... maybe you can just start in on yourself right next to her as well. If she asks you what you are doing you can tell her that hearing her turned you on so much. Maybe it can open up the dialogue on it.
    Ooohhh - yes, that is also a good suggestion.
    Friendship Prayer
    May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch.
    Amen

    Whoever said anything was possible obviously never tried slamming a revolving door.



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    Thanks all for your suggestions, this is my first post and was not sure what to expect, you all were very helpful with your suggestions. Hopeless Dork you might be right, maybe this is her way of controling me. I wish it was a fantasy of hers though. Anyway, I will try the suggestion of joing in. Lana you don't know how many times I wanted to blurt something out, knowing she could not deny it than, I just didn't want a fight to break out. I am going to try the Lana suggestion first than Hopeless. FYI I tried faking a sexy dream or two over the past month, to see what she would say, all she did was tell me to turn over and go back to sleep. I will post back with results.

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    WH Head Moderator Array WildChild's Avatar
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    Sexsomnia is a fairly rare condition that cause people to masterbate or engage in sex while sleeping. She could have this. Why not do some research. I think we had a thread on this some time back.
    We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer

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    WH Head Moderator Array WildChild's Avatar
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    Here's one:

    Midnight frustration
    We can only learn to love by loving. - Iris Mudoch, British writer

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